Let it all hang out!

Why is it that the story of many pastors today reads of amazing leadership and dedication and progressive pursuits followed by a catastrophic moral failure that brings it all crashing down over night? Why is it that revealed weakness or real struggle in our spiritual leaders is so shocking and disappointing? Could it be that the church's pursuit of excellence and execution has superceded the values of authenticity and accountability?

Jesus didn't hold it together when he walked into the temple and saw people making money off worship. He didn't act cool when Lazarus was dead. He never pretended it was all good to be crucified. Jesus blew up...he wept...he wondered if there might not be an easier way to do hard things. Jesus' life seems to have been a roller coaster of emotion, improvisation, compassion, empathy, and obedience. I don't read the gospels and see an upward trajectory of increased excellence and execution--I see Jesus responding in the moment every moment. Sometimes he is angry, other times sad or compassionate or abrupt with the truth. He seems to be honest with what he is feeling and experiencing--even if those feelings are not the most effective way to "win people over". He seems to care more about loving people in the midst of life as it happens as opposed to projecting that he is impervious to his surroundings and circumstances.

My greatest hope is that the people in our church understand that my failures often match (and usually immediately follow) my victories. I want them to see that, while I strive to obey God in every moment, how I get there can be sketchy and indirect. I want us to witness and experience a process of transformation as messy and unpredictable as it is God-inspired and beautiful. I understand about disclosure and being appropriate and wise in how we share information. I don't feel compelled to "prove" my brokenness for effect or reaction--I do, however, believe that it is authenticity, more than excellence, that honors God and inspires people. I believe I have done my congregation an incredible disservice if they are shocked to find out that I have real difficiencies and struggles.

I realize that healthy, stable people will probably be turned off by this way of doing business. I suppose in the end I may end up surrounded by only hurting and broken people searching for God in the midst of their complex and unpredictable lives...but I have to ask, is that really such a bad thing?